The Story of My Life
GA 28
Chapter II
[ 1 ] The decision as to whether I should be sent to the Gymnasium or the
[ 2 ] Next, however, the question remained to be settled as to whether in passing from the village school of Neudörfl to one of the schools in the neighbouring Wiener-Neustadt, I should be prepared for admission to such a school. So I was taken to the town hall for an examination.
[ 3 ] These plans which were thus being carried through for my own future did not excite in me any deep interest. At that age these questions concerning my “position,” and whether the choice should fall on town school, Realschule, or Gymnasium were to me matters of indifference. Through what I observed around me and felt within me, I was conscious of undefined but burning questions about life and the world and the soul, and my wish was to learn something in order to be able to answer these questions of mine. I cared very little through what sort of school this should be brought about.
[ 4 ] The examination at the town school I passed very creditably. All the drawings I had made for the assistant teacher had been brought along; and these made such an impression upon the teachers who examined me that on this account my very defective knowledge was overlooked. I came out of the examination with a “brilliant” record. There was great rejoicing on the part of my parents, the assistant teacher, the priest, and many of the notabilities of Neudörfl. People were happy over the result of my examination because to many of them it was a proof that “the Neudörfl school can teach a thing or two!”
[ 5 ] For my father there came out of all this the thought that I should not spend a preliminary year in the town school – seeing that I was already so far along – but should enter the Realschule at once. So a few days later I was taken to that school for another examination. In this case matters did not turn out so well; nevertheless, I was admitted. This was in October 1872.
[ 6 ] I had now to go every day from Neudörfl to Wiener Neustadt. In the morning I could go by train; but I had to come back in the afternoon on foot, since there was no train at the right time. Neudörfl was in Hungary, Wiener Neustadt in Lower Austria. So every day I went from “Transleitanien” to “Cisleitanien.” (These were the official designations for the Hungarian and the Austrian districts.)
[ 7 ] During the noon recess I remained in Wiener-Neustadt. It so happened that a certain woman had come to know me during one of her stops at the Neudörfl station, and had learned that I was coming to Wiener-Neustadt to school. My parents had spoken to her of their concern as to how I was to pass the noon recess during my attendance at the Wiener-Neustadt school. She told them she would be glad to have me take lunch at her home without charge, and would welcome me there whenever I needed to come.
[ 8 ] In summer the walk from Wiener-Neustadt to Neudörfl was very beautiful; in winter it was often exceedingly hard. To get from the outskirts of the town to the village one had to walk for half an hour across fields which were not cleared of snow. There I often had to “wade” through the snow, and I would arrive at home a veritable “snow man.”
[ 9 ] The town life I could not share inwardly as I could the life of the country. I would fall into a brown study over the problem of what might be happening in and between those houses closed tight one against the other. Only before the booksellers' shops of Wiener-Neustadt did I often linger for a long time.
[ 10 ] What went on in the school also, and what I had to do there, proceeded at first without awakening any lively interest in my mind. In the first two classes I had great difficulty in “keeping up.” Only in the second half-year was the work easier in these two classes. Only then had I become a “good scholar”. [ 11 ] I was conscious of one overwhelming need. I craved men whom I could take as human models to follow. The teachers of the first two classes were not such men. [ 12 ] In this school life something now occurred which impressed me deeply. The principal of the school, in one of the annual reports which had to be issued at the close of each school year, published a lecture entitled Die Anziehungskraft betrachtet als eine Wirkung der Bezuegung.1Attraction Considered as an Effect of Motion. As a child of eleven years I could at first understand almost nothing of the content of this paper; for it began at once with higher mathematics. Yet from some of the sentences I got hold of a certain meaning. There formed itself in my mind a bridge between what I had learned from the priest concerning the creation of the world and these sentences in the paper. The paper referred also to a book which the principal had written, Die allgemeine Bewegung der Materie als Grundursache aller Naturerscheinungen.2The General Motion of Matter as the Fundamental Cause of All the Phenomenon of Nature. I saved my money until I was able to buy that book. It now became my aim to learn as quickly as possible everything that might lead me to an understanding of the paper and the book.
[ 13 ] The thing was like this. The principal held that the conception of forces acting at a distance from the bodies exerting these forces was an unproved “mystical” hypothesis. He wished to explain the “attraction” between the heavenly bodies as well as that between molecules and atoms without reference to such “forces.” He said that between any two bodies there are many small bodies in motion. These, moving back and forth, thrust the larger bodies. Likewise these larger bodies are thrust from every direction on the sides turned away from each other. The thrusts on the sides turned away from each other are much more numerous than those in the spaces between the two bodies. It is for this reason that they approach each other. “Attraction” is not any special force, but only an “effect of motion.” I came across two sentences stated positively in the first pages of the volume: “1. There exist space and in space motion continuing for a long period of time. 2. Space and time are continuous, homogeneous masses; but matter consists of separate particles (atoms).” Out of the motions occurring in the manner described between the small and great parts of matter, the professor would derive all physical and chemical occurrences in nature.
[ 14 ] I had nothing within me which inclined me in any way whatever to accept such a view; but I had the feeling that it would be a very important matter for me when I could understand what was in this manner expressed. And I did everything I could in order to reach that point. Whenever I could get hold of books of mathematics and physics, I seized the opportunity. It was a slow process. I set myself to read the paper over and over again; each time there was some improvement.
[ 15 ] Now something else happened. In the third class I had a teacher who really fulfilled the “ideal” I had before my mind. He was a man whom I could emulate. He taught computation, geometry, and physics. His teaching was wonderfully systematic and thorough-going. He built everything so clearly out of its elements that it was in the highest degree beneficial to one's thinking to follow him.
[ 16 ] A lecture accompanying the second annual school report was delivered by him. It had to do with the law of probabilities and calculations in life insurance. I buried myself in this paper also, although of this likewise I could not understand very much. But I soon came to grasp the idea of the law of probabilities. A more important result, however, for me was that the exactness with which my favourite teacher handled his materials gave me a model for my own thinking in mathematics. This now brought about a wonderfully beautiful relationship between this teacher and me. I was very happy to have this man through all the classes of the Realschule as teacher of mathematics and physics.
[ 17 ] Through what I learned from him I drew nearer and nearer to the riddle that had arisen for me through the paper by the principal.
[ 18 ] With still another teacher I came only after a long time into a more intimate spiritual relationship. This was the one who taught constructive geometry in the lower classes and descriptive geometry in the upper. He taught even in the second class. But only during his course in the third class did I come to an appreciation of the kind of man he was. He was an enthusiastic constructor. His teaching also was a model of clearness and order. The drawing of circles, lines, and triangles became to me, through his influence, a favourite occupation. Behind all that I was taking into myself from the principal, the teacher of mathematics and physics, and the teacher of geometrical design, there arose in me in a boyish way of thinking the problem of what goes on in nature. My feeling was: I must go to nature in order to win a standing place in the spiritual world, which was there before me, consciously perceived.
[ 19 ] I said to myself: “One can take the right attitude toward the experience of the spiritual world by one's own soul only when one's process of thinking has reached such a form that it can attain to the reality of being which is in natural phenomena.” With such feelings did I pass through life during the third and fourth years of the Realschule. Everything that I learned I so directed as to bring myself nearer to the goal I have indicated.
[ 20 ] Then one day I passed a bookshop. In the show window I saw an advertisement of Kant's Kritik der reinen Vernunft.3Critique of Pure Reason I did everything that I could to acquire this book as quickly as possible.
[ 21 ] As Kant then entered the circle of my thinking, I knew nothing whatever of his place in the spiritual history of mankind. What anyone whatever had thought about him, in approval or in disapproval, was to me entirely unknown. My boundless interest in the Critique of Pure Reason had arisen entirely out of my own spiritual life. In my boyish way I was striving to understand what human reason might be able to achieve toward a real insight into the being of things.
[ 22 ] The reading of Kant met with every sort of obstacle in the circumstances of my external life. Because of the long distance I had to traverse between school and home, I lost every day at least three hours. In the evenings I did not get home until six o'clock. Then there was an endless quantity of school assignments to master. On Sundays I devoted myself almost entirely to geometrical designing. It was my ideal to attain the greatest precision in carrying out geometrical constructions, and the most immaculate neatness in hatching and the laying on of colours.
[ 23 ] So I had scarcely any time left for reading the Critique of Pure Reason. I found the following way out. Our history course was handled in such a manner that the teacher appeared to be lecturing but was in reality reading from a book. Then from time to time we had to learn from our books what he had given us in this fashion. I thought to myself that I must take care of this reading of what was in my book while at home. From the teacher's “lecture” I got nothing at all. From listening to what he read I could not retain the least thing. I now took apart the single sections of the little Kant volume, placed these inside the history book, which I there kept before me during the history lesson, and read Kant while the history was being “taught” down to us from the professor's seat. This was, of course, from the point of view of school discipline, a serious fault; yet it disturbed nobody and it subtracted so little from what I should otherwise have acquired that the grade I was given on my history lesson at that very time was “excellent.”
[ 24 ] During vacations the reading of Kant went forward briskly Many a page I read more than twenty times in succession. I wanted to reach a decision as to the relation sustained by human thought to the creative work of nature.
[ 25 ] The feeling I had in regard to these strivings of thought was influenced here from three sides. In the first place, I wished so to build up thought within myself that every thought should be completely subject to survey, that no vague feeling should incline the thought in any direction whatever. In the second place, I wished to establish within myself a harmony between such thinking and the teachings of religion. For this also at that time had the very strongest hold upon me.
In just this field we had truly excellent text-books. From these books I took with the utmost devotion the symbol and dogma, the description of the church service, the history of the church. These teachings were to me a vital matter. But my relation to them was determined by the fact that to me the spiritual world counted among the objects of human perception. The very reason why these teachings penetrated so deeply into my mind was that in them I realized how the human spirit can find its way consciously into the supersensible. I am perfectly sure that I did not lose my reverence for the spiritual in the slightest degree through this relationship of the spiritual to perception.
[ 26 ] On the other side I was tremendously occupied over the question of the scope of human capacity for thought. It seemed to me that thinking could be developed to a faculty which would actually lay hold upon the things and events of the world. A “stuff” which remains outside of the thinking, which we can merely “think toward,” seemed to me an unendurable conception. Whatever is in things, this must be also inside of human thought, I said to myself again and again. [ 27 ] Against this conviction, however, there always opposed itself what I read in Kant. But I scarcely observed this conflict. For I desired more than anything else to attain through the Critique of Pure Reason to a firm standing ground in order to get the mastery of my own thinking. Wherever and whenever I took my holiday walks, I had in any case to set before myself this question, and once more clear it up: How does one pass from simple, clear-cut perceptions to concepts in regard to natural phenomena? I held then quite uncritically to Kant; but no advance did I make by means of him.
[ 28 ] Through all this I was not drawn away from whatever pertains to the actual doing of practical things and the development of human skill. It so happened that one of the employees who took turns with my father in his work understood book-binding. I learned bookbinding from him, and was able to bind my own school books in the holidays between the fourth and fifth classes of the Realschule. And I learned stenography also at this time during the vacation without a teacher.
Nevertheless, I took the course in stenography which was given from the fifth class on.
[ 29 ] Occasions for practical work were plentiful. My parents were assigned near the station a little orchard of fruit trees and a small patch for potatoes. Gathering cherries, taking care of the orchard, preparing the potatoes for planting, cultivating the soil, digging the potatoes – all this work fell to my sister and brother and me. Buying the family groceries in the village, of this I would not let anyone deprive me at those times when the school left me free.
[ 30 ] When I was about fifteen years old I was permitted to come into more intimate relationship with the doctor at Wiener Neustadt whom I have already mentioned. I had conceived of a great liking for him because of the way in which he talked to me during his visits to Neudörfl. So I often slipped past his home, which was on the ground floor of a building at the corner of two very narrow streets in Wiener-Neustadt. One day he was at the window. He called me into his room I stood before what seemed to me then a great library He talked again about literature; then took down Lessing's Minna von Barnhelm from the collection of books, and said I must read that and afterwards come back to him. In this way he gave me one book after another to read and invite me from time to time to come to see him. Every time that I had an opportunity to go back, I had to tell him my impression of what I had read. In this way he became really my teacher in poetic literature. For up to that time both at my home and also at school, all this – except for some “extracts” – had been quite outside of my life. In the atmosphere of this lovable doctor, sensitive to everything beautiful, I learned especially to know Lessing.
[ 31 ] Another event deeply influenced my life. The mathematics books which Lübsen had prepared for home study became known to me. I was then able to teach myself analytical geometry, trigonometry, and even differential and integral calculus long before I learned these in school. This enabled me to return to the reading of those books on The General Motion of Matter as the Fundamental Cause of All the Phenomenon of Nature. For now I could understand them better through my understanding of mathematics. Meanwhile, we had come to the course in physics following that in chemistry, and this brought me a new set of riddles concerning human knowledge to add to the older ones. The teacher of chemistry was a distinguished man. He taught almost entirely by means of experiments. He spoke little. He let natural processes speak for themselves. He was one of our favourite teachers. There was something noteworthy in him which distinguished him in the eyes of his pupils from the other teachers. One felt that he stood in a closer relationship to his science than did the others. The others we addressed with the title “Professor”; he, although he was just as much a professor, was called “Doctor.” He was the brother of the thoughtful Tyrolese poet Hermann von Gilm. He had an eye which held one's attention firmly. One felt that this man was accustomed to looking intently at the phenomena of nature and then retaining what he had perceived.
[ 32 ] His teaching puzzled me a little. The feeling for facts which marked him could not always hold concentrated that state of mind through which I was then striving toward unification. Still he must have considered that I made good progress in chemistry, for he marked my notes from the start “creditable,” and I kept this grade through all the classes.
[ 33 ] One day I found at an antiquary's in Wiener-Neustadt Rotteck's history of the world. Until then, in spite of the fact that I received the highest grades in the school in history, this subject had always remained to me something external. Now it grew to be an inner thing. The warmth with which Rotteck conceived and set forth historic events swept me along. His one-sidedness of view I did not then perceive. Through him I was led to two other books which, by reason of their style and their vivid historical conceptions, made the deepest impression on me: Johannes von Müller and Tacitus.
Amid such impressions, it was very hard for me to take any interest in the school lessons in history and in literature. But I strove to give life to these lessons from all that I made my own out of other sources. In this manner I passed my time in the three upper classes of the seven years of the Realschule.
[ 34 ] From my fifteenth year on I taught other pupils of the same grade as myself or of a lower grade. The teachers were very willing to assign me this tutoring, for I was rated as a very “good scholar.” Through this means I was enabled to contribute at least a very little toward what my parents had to spend out of their meagre income for my education. [ 35 ] I owe much to this tutoring. In having to give to others in turn the matter which I had been taught, I myself became, so to speak, awake to this. For I cannot express the thing otherwise than by saying that I received in a sort of dream life the knowledge imparted to me by the school. I was always awake to what I gained by my own effort, and what I received from a spiritual benefactor, such as the doctor I have mentioned of Wiener-Neustadt. What I received thus in a fully self-conscious state of mind was noticeably different from what passed over to me like dream-pictures in the class-room instruction. The development of what had thus been received in a half-waking state was now brought about by the fact that in the periods of tutoring I had to vitalize my own knowledge.
[ 36 ] On the other hand, this experience compelled me at an early age to concern myself with practical pedagogy. I learned the difficulties of the development of human minds through my pupils.
[ 37 ] To the pupils of my own grade whom I tutored the most important thing I had to teach was German composition. Since I myself had also to write every such composition, I had to discover for each theme assigned to us various forms of development. I often felt then that I was in a very difficult situation. I wrote my own theme only after I had already given away the best thoughts on that topic.
[ 38 ] A rather strained relationship existed between the teacher of the German language and literature in the three upper classes and myself. The pupils considered him the “keenest professor,” and especially strict. My essays had always been unusually long. The briefer forms I had dictated to my fellow pupils. It took the teacher a long time to read my papers. After the final examination, during the celebration before the close of the session, when for the first time he was “in a good humour” among us pupils, he told me how I had annoyed him with my long themes.
[ 39 ] Still another thing happened. I had the feeling that some thing was brought into the school through this teacher which I must master. When he discussed the nature of poetic descriptions, it seemed to me that there was something in the background behind what he said. After a time I found out what this was. He adhered to the philosophy of Herbart. He himself said nothing of this. But I discovered it. And so I bought an Introduction to Philosophy and a Psychology, both of which were written from the point of view of Herbart's philosophy.
[ 40 ] And now began a sort of game of hide-and-seek between the teacher and me in my compositions. I began to understand much in him which he set forth in the colours of Herbart's philosophy; and he found in my compositions all sorts of ideas that came from the same source. Only neither he nor I mentioned Herbart as the source of our ideas. This was through a sort of tacit agreement. But one day I ended a composition in a way that was imprudent in view of the situation. I had to write about some characteristic or other of human beings. At the end I used this sentence: “Such a man possesses psychological freedom.” Our teacher would discuss the compositions with the class after he had corrected them. When he came to the discussion of this particular theme, he drew in the corners of his mouth with obvious irony and said: “You say something here about psychological freedom. There is no such thing” I answered: “That seems to me a mistake, Professor. There really is a psychological freedom, only there is no ‘transcendental freedom’ in an ordinary state of consciousness.” The lips of the teacher became smooth again. He looked at me with a penetrating glance and remarked: “I have noticed for a long while from your compositions that you have a philosophical library. I would advise you not to use it; you only confuse your thinking by so doing.” I could never understand at all why I would confuse my thinking by reading the same books from which his own thinking was derived. And thus the relation between us continued to be somewhat strained.
[ 41] His teaching gave me much to do. For he covered in the fifth class the Greek and Latin poets, from whom selections were used in German translation. Then for the first time I began to regret once in a while that my father had put me in the Realschule instead of the Gymnasium . For I felt how little of the character of Greek and Roman art I should get hold of through the translations. So I bought Greek and Latin text-books, and carried along secretly by the side of the Realschule course also a private Gymnasium course of instruction. This required much time; but it also laid the foundation by means of which I met, although in unusual fashion yet quite according to the rules, the Gymnasium requirements. I had to give many hours of tutoring, especially when I was in the Technische Hochschule4The Technische Hochschule does not correspond wholly to any English or American institution. It might be called a “university” with marked scientific emphasis. in Vienna. I soon had a Gymnasium pupil to tutor. Circumstances of which I shall speak later brought it about that I had to help this pupil by means of tutoring through almost the whole Gymnasium course. I taught him Latin and Greek, so that in teaching him I had to go through every detail of the Gymnasium course with him.
[ 42 ] The teachers of history and geography who could give me so little in the lower classes became, nevertheless, important to me in the upper classes. The very one who had driven me to such unusual reading of Kant wrote once a lecture for a school report on Die Fiszeit und ihre Ursachen.5The Glacial Age and Its Causes. I grasped the meaning of this with great eagerness of mind, and conceived from it a strong interest in the problem of the glacial age. But this teacher was also a good pupil of the distinguished geographer, Friedrich Simony. This fact led him to explain in the upper classes the geological-geographical evolution of the Alps with illustrative drawings on the blackboard. Then I did not by any means read Kant, but was all eyes and ears. From this side I now got a great deal from this teacher, whose lessons in history did not interest me at all.
[ 43 ] In the last class I had for the first time a teacher who gripped me with his instruction in history. He taught history and geography. In this class the geography of the Alps was set forth in the same delightful fashion as had already been the case with the other teacher. In the history lessons the new teacher got a strong hold upon us. He was to us a personality in the full sense of the word. He was a partisan, enthusiastic for the progressive ideas of the Austrian liberal movement of the time. But in the school there was no evidence of this. He brought nothing from his partisan views into the class room. Yet his teaching of history had, by reason of his own participation in life, a strong vitality. I listened to the temperamental historical analyses of this teacher with the results from my reading of the Rotteck volumes still in my memory. The experience produced a satisfying harmony. I cannot but think it was an important thing for me to have had the opportunity to imbibe the history of modern times in this manner.
[ 44 ] At home I heard much talk about the Russo-Turkish war (1877–78). The employee who then took my father's place every third day was an original sort of person. When he came to relieve my father, he always brought along a huge carpet-bag. In this he had great packets of manuscript. These were abstracts of the most varied assortments of scientific books. Those abstracts he gave to me, one after another, to read. I devoured them. He would then discuss these things with me. For he really had in his head a conception, somewhat chaotic to be sure but comprehensive, concerning all these things that he had compiled. With my father, however, he talked politics. He delighted to take the side of the Turks; my father defended with great earnestness the Russians. He was one of those persons still grateful to Russia for the service she rendered to Austria at the time of the Hungarian uprising (1848). For my father was on no sort of terms with the Hungarians. He lived in the Hungarian border town of Neudörfl during that period when the process of Magyarizing was going forward, and the sword of Damocles hung over his head – the danger that he might not be allowed to remain in charge of the station of Neudörfl unless he could speak Magyar. This language was quite unnecessary in that originally German place, but the Hungarian regime was endeavouring to bring it to pass that railway lines in Hungary should be manned with Magyar-speaking employees, even the privately owned lines. But my father wished to hold his place at Neudörfl long enough for me to finish at the school at Wiener-Neustadt. By reason of all this, he was then not friendly to the Hungarians. So, since he could not endure the Hungarians, he liked in his simple way to think of the Russians as those who in 1848 had “shown the Hungarians who were their masters.” This way of thinking manifested itself with extraordinary earnestness, and yet in the wonderfully lovable manner of my father toward his Turkophile friend in the person of the “substitute.” The tide of discussion rose oft times very high. I was greatly interested in the mutual outbursts of the two personalities, but scarcely at all in their political opinions. For me a much more vital need at that time was that of finding an answer to this question: To what extent is it possible to prove that in human thinking real spirit is the agent?
Chapter II
[ 1 ] Den Ausschlag bei der Entscheidung, ob ich auf das Gymnasium oder die Realschule geschickt werden solle, gab bei meinem Vater seine Absicht, mir die rechte Vorbildung für eine «Anstellung» bei der Eisenbahn zu verschaffen. Seine Vorstellungen drängten sich zuletzt in die zusammen, ich sollte Eisenbahn-Ingenieur werden. Das führte zu der Wahl der Realschule.
[ 2 ] Zunächst aber war die Frage zu entscheiden, ob ich beim Übergange von der Neudörfler Dorfschule zu einer der Schulen des benachbarten Wiener-Neustadt überhaupt für eine dieser Schularten schon reif sei. Ich wurde zunächst zur Aufnahmeprüfung in die Bürgerschule geführt.
[ 3 ] An mir selbst gingen die Vorgänge, die nun für meine Lebenszukunft eingeleitet wurden, ohne tiefergehendes Interesse vor sich. Mir war in jenem Lebensalter die Art meiner «Anstellung», mir war auch die Frage gleichgültig, ob Bürger- oder Realschule, oder Gymnasium. Ich hatte durch das, was ich um mich beobachtet, was ich in mir ersonnen hatte, unbestimmte, aber brennende Fragen über Leben und Welt in der Seele und wollte etwas lernen, um sie mir beantworten zu können. Mich kümmerte dabei wenig, durch welche Schulart das geschehen sollte.
[ 4 ] Die Aufnahmeprüfung in die Bürgerschule bestand ich sehr gut. Man hatte alle die Zeichnungen mitgebracht, die ich bei meinem Hilfslehrer angefertigt hatte; und diese machten auf die Lehrerschaft, die mich prüfte, einen so starken Eindruck, daß wohl dadurch hinweggesehen wurde über meine mangelnden Kenntnisse. Ich kam mit einem «glänzenden» Zeugnisse davon. Es war helle Freude bei meinen Eltern, beim Hilfslehrer, beim Pfarrer, bei vielen Honoratioren von Neudörfl. Man war über meinen Erfolg froh, denn er war für Viele ein Beweis, daß die «Neudörfler Schule etwas leisten könne».
[ 5 ] Für meinen Vater entsprang aus alledem der Gedanke, daß ich nun, da ich so weit sei, gar nicht erst ein Jahr in der Bürgerschule verbringen, sondern sogleich in die Realschule kommen solle. So wurde ich denn schon wenige Tage nachher zur Aufnahmeprüfung in diese geführt. Da ging es zwar nicht so gut als vorher; aber ich wurde doch zur Aufnahme zugelassen. Es war im Oktober 1872.
[ 6 ] Nun mußte ich täglich den Weg von Neudörfl nach Wiener-Neustadt machen. Morgens konnte ich mit dem Eisenbahnzuge fahren, abends mußte ich zu Fuß zurückkehren, da ein Zug zur rechten Zeit nicht fuhr. Neudörfl lag in Ungarn, Wiener-Neustadt in Niederösterreich. Ich kam also täglich von «Transleithanien» nach «Cisleithanien». (So nannte man offiziell das ungarische und das österreichische Gebiet.)
[ 7 ] Während des Mittags blieb ich in Wiener-Neustadt. Es hatte sich eine Dame gefunden, die mich bei einem ihrer Aufenthalte auf dem Neudörfler Bahnhof kennen gelernt und dabei erfahren hatte, daß ich zur Schule nach Wiener-Neustadt kommen werde. Meine Eltern hatten ihr ihre Sorge darüber mitgeteilt, wie ich über den Mittag bei meinen Sehulbesuchen hinwegkommen werde. Sie erklärte sich bereit, mich in ihrem Hause unentgeltlich essen zu lassen und mich jederzeit aufzunehmen, wenn ich es nötig hätte.
[ 8 ] Der Fußweg von Wiener-Neustadt nach Neudörfl ist im Sommer sehr schön; im Winter war er oft beschwerlich. Ehe man von dem Stadtende zum Dorfe kam, mußte man über einen Feldweg von einer halben Stunde gehen, der vom Schnee nicht gesäubert wurde. Da hatte ich oft durch Schnee zu «waten», der bis an die Knie ging, und kam als «Schneemann» zu Hause an.
[ 9 ] Das Stadtleben konnte ich in der Seele nicht in der gleichen Art mitmachen, wie das auf dem Lande. Ich stand verträumt dem gegenüber, was zwischen und in den aneinandergepferchten Häusern vorging. Nur vor den Buchhandlungen Wiener-Neustadts blieb ich oft lange stehen.
[ 10 ] Auch was in der Schule vorgebracht wurde und was ich selbst da zu tun hatte, ging ohne ein lebhafteres Interesse an meiner Seele zunächst vorüber. Ich hatte in den beiden ersten Klassen viele Mühe, mitzukommen. Erst im zweiten Halbjahr der zweiten ging es besser. Da war ich erst ein «guter Schüler» geworden.
[ 11 ] Ich hatte ein mich stark beherrschendes Bedürfnis. Ich sehnte mich nach Menschen, denen ich wie Vorbildern menschlich nachleben konnte. Solche fanden sich unter den Lehrern der beiden ersten Klassen nicht.
[ 12 ] In dieses Erleben in der Schule trat nun wieder ein Ereignis, das tief in meine Seele hineinwirkte. Der Schuldirektor hatte in einem der Jahresberichte, die am Ende eines jeden Schuljahres ausgegeben wurden, einen Aufsatz erscheinen lassen: «Die Anziehungskraft betrachtet als eine Wirkung der Bewegung.» Ich konnte als elfjähriger Junge von dem Inhalte zunächst fast nichts verstehen. Denn es fing gleich mit höherer Mathematik an. Aber von einzelnen Sätzen erhaschte ich doch einen Sinn. Es bildete sich in mir eine Gedankenbrücke von den Lehren über das Weltgebäude, die ich von dem Pfarrer erhalten hatte, bis zu dem Inhalte dieses Aufsatzes. In diesem war auch auf ein Buch verwiesen, das der Direktor geschrieben hatte: «Die allgemeine Bewegung der Materie als Grundursache aller Naturerscheinungen.» Ich sparte so lange, bis ich mir das Buch kaufen konnte. Es wurde nun eine Art Ideal von mir, alles so schnell als möglich zu lernen, was mich zum Verständnis des Inhaltes von Aufsatz und Buch führen konnte.
[ 13 ] Es handelte sich um folgendes. Der Schuldirektor hielt die von dem Stoffe aus in die Ferne wirkenden «Kräfte» für eine unberechtigte «mystische» Hypothese. Er wollte die «Anziehung» sowohl der Himmelskörper, wie auch der Moleküle und Atome ohne solche «Kräfte» erklären. Er sagte, zwischen zwei Körpern befinden sich viele in Bewegung begriffene kleinere Körper. Diese stoßen, sich hin und her bewegend, auf die größeren Körper. Ebenso werden diese an den Seiten überall gestoßen, an denen sie von einander abgewandt sind. Die Stöße, die auf die abgewandten Seiten ausgeübt werden, sind zahlreicher als die in dem Raum zwischen den beiden Körpern. Dadurch nähern sich diese. Die «Anziehung» ist keine besondere Kraft, sondern nur eine «Wirkung der Bewegung». Zwei Sätze fand ich ausgesprochen auf den ersten Seiten des Buches: «1. Es existiert ein Raum und in diesem eine Bewegung durch längere Zeit. 2. Raum und Zeit sind kontinuierliche homogene Größen; die Materie aber besteht aus gesonderten Teilchen (Atomen).» Aus den Bewegungen, die auf die beschriebene Art zwischen den kleinen und großen Teilen der Materie entstehen, wollte der Verfasser alle physikalischen und chemischen Naturvorgänge erklären.
[ 14 ] Ich hatte nichts in mir, was in irgendeiner Art dazu drängte, mich zu dieser Anschauung zu bekennen; aber ich hatte das Gefühl, es werde eine große Bedeutung für mich haben, wenn ich das auf diese Art Ausgesprochene verstehen werde. Und ich tat alles dazu, um dahin zu gelangen. Wo ich nur mathematische und physikalische Bücher auftreiben konnte, benützte ich die Gelegenheit. Es ging recht langsam. Ich setzte mit dem Lesen von Aufsatz und Buch immer wieder an; es ging jedesmal etwas besser.
[ 15 ] Nun kam etwas anderes hinzu. In der dritten Klasse erhielt ich einen Lehrer, der wirklich das «Ideal» erfüllte, das vor meiner Seele stand. Ihm konnte ich nachstreben. Er unterrichtete Rechnen, Geometrie und Physik. Sein Unterricht war von einer außerordentlichen Geordnetheit und Durchsichtigkeit. Er baute alles so klar aus den Elementen auf, daß es dem Denken im höchsten Grade wohltätig war, ihm zu folgen.
[ 16 ] Ein zweiter Jahresberichtsaufsatz der Schule war von ihm. Er war aus dem Gebiete der Wahrscheinlichkeitsrechnung und des Lebensversicherungsrechnens. Ich vertiefte mich auch in diesen Aufsatz, obwohl ich auch von ihm noch nicht viel verstehen konnte. Aber ich kam doch bald dazu, den Sinn der Wahrscheinlichkeitsrechnung zu begreifen. Eine noch wichtigere Folge aber für mich war, daß ich an der Exaktheit, mit welcher der geliebte Lehrer die Materie durchgeführt hatte, ein Vorbild für mein mathematisches Denken hatte. Das aber ließ nun ein wunderschönes Verhältnis zwischen diesem Lehrer und mir entstehen. Ich empfand es beglückend, diesen Mann nun durch alle Realschulklassen hindurch als Lehrer der Mathematik und Physik zu haben.
[ 17 ] Mit dem, was ich durch ihn lernte, kam ich dem Rätsel, das mir durch die Schriften des Schuldirektors aufgegeben war, immer näher.
[ 18 ] Mit einem andern Lehrer kam ich erst nach längerer Zeit in ein näheres seelisches Verhältnis. Es war derjenige, der in den unteren Klassen geometrisches Zeichnen und in den oberen darstellende Geometrie lehrte. Er unterrichtete schon in der zweiten Klasse. Aber erst im Verlaufe des Unterrichtes in der dritten ging mir der Sinn für seine Art auf. Er war ein großartiger Konstrukteur. Auch sein Unterricht war von musterhafter Klarheit und Geordnetheit. Das Zeichnen mit Zirkel, Lineal und Dreieck wurde mir durch ihn zu einer Lieblingsbeschäftigung. Hinter dem, was ich durch den Schuldirektor, den Mathematik- und Physiklehrer und den des geometrischen Zeichnens in mich aufnahm, stiegen nun in knabenhafter Auffassung die Rätselfragen des Naturgeschehens in mir auf. Ich empfand: ich müsse an die Natur heran, um eine Stellung zu der Geisteswelt zu gewinnen, die in selbstverständlicher Anschauung vor mir stand.
[ 19 ] Ich sagte mir, man kann doch nur zurechtkommen mit dem Erleben der geistigen Welt durch die Seele, wenn das Denken in sich zu einer Gestaltung kommt, die an das Wesen der Naturerscheinungen herangelangen kann. Mit diesen Gefühlen lebte ich mich durch die dritte und vierte Realschulklasse durch. Ich ordnete alles, was ich lernte, selbst daraufhin an, mich dem gekennzeichneten Ziele zu nähern.
[ 20 ] Da ging ich einmal an einer Buchhandlung vorbei. Im Schaufenster sah ich Kants «Kritik der reinen Vernunft» in Reclams Ausgabe. Ich tat alles, um mir dies Buch so schnell als möglich zu kaufen.
[ 21 ] Als damals Kant in den Bereich meines Denkens eintrat, wußte ich noch nicht das geringste von dessen Stellung in der Geistesgeschichte der Menschheit. Was irgend ein Mensch über ihn gedacht hat, zustimmend oder ablehnend, war mir gänzlich unbekannt. Mein unbegrenztes Interesse an der Kritik der reinen Vernunft wurde aus meinem ganz persönlichen Seelenleben heraus erregt. Ich strebte auf meine knabenhafte Art danach, zu verstehen, was menschliche Vernunft für einen wirklichen Einblick in das Wesen der Dinge zu leisten vermag.
[ 22 ] Die Kantlektüre fand mancherlei Hindernisse an den äußeren Lebenstatsachen. Ich verlor durch den weiten Weg, den ich zwischen Heim und Schule zurückzulegen hatte, täglich wenigstens drei Stunden. Abends kam ich vor sechs Uhr nicht zu Hause an. Dann war eine endlose Masse von Schulaufgaben zu bewältigen. Und an Sonntagen gab ich mich fast ausschließlich dem konstruktiven Zeichnen hin. Es in der Ausführung der geometrischen Konstruktionen zur größten Exaktheit, in der Behandlung des Schraffierens und Anlegens der Farbe zur tadellosen Sauberkeit zu bringen, war mir ein Ideal.
[ 23 ] So blieb mir für das Lesen der «Kritik der reinen Vernunft» gerade damals kaum eine Zeit. Ich fand den folgenden Ausweg. Die Geschichte wurde uns so beigebracht, daß der Lehrer scheinbar vortrug, aber in Wirklichkeit aus einem Buche vorlas. Wir hatten dann von Stunde zu Stunde das in dieser Art an uns Herangebrachte aus unserem Buche zu lernen. Ich dachte mir, das Lesen des im Buche Stehenden muß ich ja doch zu Hause besorgen. Von dem «Vortrag» des Lehrers hatte ich gar nichts. Ich konnte durch das Anhören dessen, was er las, nicht das geringste aufnehmen. Ich trennte nun die einzelnen Bogen des Kantbüchleins auseinander, heftete sie in das Geschichtsbuch ein, das ich in der Unterrichtsstunde vor mir liegen hatte, und las nun Kant, während vom Katheder herunter die Geschichte «gelehrt» wurde. Das war natürlich gegenüber der Schuldisziplin ein großes Unrecht; aber es störte niemand und es beeinträchtigte so wenig, was von mir verlangt wurde, daß ich damals in der Geschichte die Note «vorzüglich» bekam.
[ 24 ] In den Ferienzeiten wurde die Kantlektüre eifrig fortgesetzt. Ich las wohl manche Seite mehr als zwanzigrnal hintereinander. Ich wollte zu einem Urteile darüber kommen, wie das menschliche Denken zu dem Schaffen der Natur steht.
[ 25 ] Die Empfindungen, die ich gegenüber diesen Denkbestrebungen harte, wurden von zwei Seiten her beeinflußt. Zum ersten wollte ich das Denken in mir selbst so ausbilden, daß jeder Gedanke voll überschaubar wäre, daß kein unbestimmtes Gefühl ihn in irgendeine Richtung brächte. Zum zweiten wollte ich einen Einklang zwischen einem solchen Denken und der Religionslehre in mir herstellen. Denn auch diese nahm mich damals im höchsten Grade in Anspruch. Wir hatten gerade auf diesem Gebiete ganz ausgezeichnete Lehrbücher. Dogmatik und Symbolik, die Beschreibung des Kultus, die Kirchengeschichte nahm ich aus diesen Lehrbüchern mit wirklicher Hingebung auf. Ich lebte ganz stark in diesen Lehren. Aber mein Verhältnis zu ihnen war dadurch bestimmt, daß mir die geistige Welt als ein Inhalt der menschlichen Anschauung galt. Gerade deshalb drangen diese Lehren so tief in meine Seele, weil ich an ihnen empfand, wie der menschliche Geist erkennend den Weg ins Übersinnliche finden kann. Die Ehrfurcht vor dem Geistigen - das weiß ich ganz bestimmt - wurde mir durch dieses Verhältnis zur Erkenntnis nicht im geringsten genommen.
[ 26 ] Auf der andern Seite beschäftigte mich unaufhörlich die Tragweite der menschlichen Gedankenfähigkeit. Ich empfand, daß das Denken zu einer Kraft ausgebildet werden könne, die die Dinge und Vorgänge der Welt wirklich in sich faßt. Ein «Stoff», der außerhalb des Denkens liegen bleibt, über den bloß «nachgedacht» wird, war mir ein unerträglicher Gedanke. Was in den Dingen ist, das muß in die Gedanken des Menschen herein, das sagte ich mir immer wieder.
[ 27 ] An dieser Empfindung stieß aber auch immer wieder das an, was ich bei Kant las. Aber ich merkte damals diesen Anstoß kaum. Denn ich wollte vor allem durch die «Kritik der reinen Vernunft» feste Anhaltspunkte gewinnen, um mit dem eigenen Denken zurecht zu kommen. Wo und wann ich meine Ferienspaziergänge machte: ich mußte mich irgendwo still hinsetzen, und mir immer von neuem zurechtlegen, wie man von einfachen, überschaubaren Begriffen zur Vorstellung über die Naturerscheinungen kommt. Ich verhielt mich zu Kant damals ganz unkritisch; aber ich kam durch ihn nicht weiter.
[ 28 ] Ich wurde durch alles dieses nicht abgezogen von den Dingen, welche die praktische Handhabung von Verrichtungen und die Ausbildung der menschlichen Geschicklichkeit betrafen. Es fand sich, daß einer der Beamten, die meinen Vater im Dienste ablösten, die Buchbinderei verstand. Ich lernte von ihm das Buchbinden und konnte mir in den Ferien, die zwischen der vierten und fünften Realschulklasse lagen, meine Schulbücher selbst einbinden. Auch lernte ich in dieser Zeit während der Ferien die Stenographie ohne Lehrer. Trotzdem machte ich dann die Stenographiekurse mit, die von der fünften Klasse an gehalten wurden.
[ 29 ] Gelegenheit zum praktischen Arbeiten gab es genug. Meinen Eltern war in der Umgebung des Bahrihofes ein kleiner Garten mit Obstbäumen und ein kleines Kartoffelfeld zugeteilt. Kirschenpflücken, die Gartenarbeiten besorgen, die Kartoffeln für die Aussaat vorbereiten, den Acker bestellen, die reifen Kartoffeln ausgraben, das alles wurde von meinen Geschwistern und mir mitbesorgt. Den Lebensmitteleinkauf im Dorfe zu besorgen, ließ ich mir in den Zeiten, die mir die Schule frei ließ, nicht nehmen.
[ 30 ] Als ich etwa fünfzehn Jahre alt war, durfte ich zu dem schon erwähnten Arzte in Wiener-Neustadt in ein näheres Verhältnis treten. Ich hatte ihn durch die Art, wie er bei seinen Neudörfler Besuchen mit mir sprach, sehr lieb gewonnen. So schlich ich denn öfter an seiner Wohnung, die in einem Erdgeschoße an der Ecke zweier ganz schmaler Gäßchen in Wiener-Neustadt lag, vorbei. Einmal war er am Fenster. Er rief mich in sein Zimmer. Da stand ich vor einer für meine damaligen Begriffe «großen» Bibliothek. Er sprach wieder von Literatur, nahm dann Lessings «Minna von Barnhelm» aus der Büchersammlung und sagte, das solle ich lesen und dann wieder zu ihm kommen. So gab er mir immer wieder Bücher zum Lesen und erlaubte mir, von Zeit zu Zeit zu ihm zu gehen. Ich mußte ihm dann jedesmal, wenn ich ihn besuchen durfte, von meinen Eindrücken aus dem Gelesenen erzählen. Er wurde dadurch eigentlich mein Lehrer in dichterischer Literatur. Denn diese war mir bis dahin sowohl im Elternhause wie in der Schule, außer einigen «Proben», ziemlich ferne geblieben. Ich lernte in der Atmosphäre des liebevollen, für alles Schöne begeisterten Arztes besonders Lessing kennen.
[ 31 ] Ein anderes Ereignis beeinflußte tief mein Leben. Die mathematischen Bücher, die Lübsen zum Selbstunterricht geschrieben hat, wurden mir bekannt. Da konnte ich analytische Geometrie, Trigonometrie und auch Differential- und Integralrechnung mir aneignen, lange bevor ich sie schulmäßig lernte. Das setzte mich in den Stand, zu der Lektüre der Bücher über «Die allgemeine Bewegung der Materie als Grundursache aller Naturerscheinungen» wieder zurückzukehren. Denn nunmehr konnte ich sie durch meine mathematischen Kenntnisse besser verstehen. Es war ja auch mittlerweile zum Physikunterricht der aus der Chemie getreten und damit für mich eine neue Anzahl von Erkenntnisrätseln zu den alten. Der Chemielehrer war ein ausgezeichneter Mann. Er gab den Unterricht fast ausschließlich experimentierend. Er sprach wenig. Er ließ die Naturvorgänge für sich sprechen. Er war einer unserer beliebtesten Lehrer. Es war etwas Merkwürdiges an ihm, wodurch er sich für seine Schüler von den andern Lehrern unterschied. Man setzte von ihm voraus, daß er zu seiner Wissenschaft in einem nähern Verhältnisse stehe als die andern. Diese sprachen wir Schüler mit dem Titel «Professor» an; ihn, trotzdem er ebensogut «Professor» war, mit «Herr Doktor». Er war der Bruder des sinnigen tirolischen Dichters Hermann v. Gilm. Er harte einen Blick, der die Aufmerksamkeit stark anzog. Man bekam das Gefühl, dieser Mann ist gewohnt, scharf auf die Naturerscheinungen hinzusehen und sie dann im Blicke zu behalten.
[ 32 ] Sein Unterricht verwirrte mich ein wenig. Die Fülle der Tatsachen, die er brachte, konnte meine damals nach Vereinheitlichung drängende Seelenart nicht immer zusammenhalten. Dennoch muß er die Ansicht gehabt haben, daß ich in der Chemie gute Fortschritte mache. Denn er gab mir von Anfang an die Note «lobenswert», die ich dann durch alle Klassen beibehielt.
[ 33 ] In einem Antiquariat in Wiener-Neustadt entdeckte ich eines Tages in jener Zeit die Weltgeschichte von Rotteck. Geschichte war meiner Seele vorher, trotzdem ich in der Schule die besten Noten bekam, etwas Äußerliches geblieben. Jetzt wurde sie mir etwas Innerliches. Die Wärme, mit der Rotteck die geschichtlichen Ereignisse ergriff und schilderte, riß mich hin. Seinen einseitigen Sinn in der Auffassung bemerkte ich noch nicht. Durch ihn wurde ich dann weiter zu zwei andern Geschichtsschreibern gebracht, die durch ihren Stil und durch ihre geschichtliche Lebensauffassung den tiefsten Eindruck auf mich machten: Johannes von Müller und Tacitus. Es wurde unter solchen Eindrücken für mich recht schwer, mich in den Schulunterricht aus Geschichte und Literatur hineinzufinden. Aber ich versuchte, mir diesen Unterricht durch alles das zu beleben, was ich außerhalb desselben mir angeeignet hatte. In einer solchen Art verbrachte ich die Zeit in den drei obern der sieben Realschulklassen.
[ 34 ] Von meinem fünfzehnten Lebensjahre an gab ich Nachhilfestunden, entweder an Mitschüler desselben Jahrganges oder an Schüler, die in einem niedrigeren Jahrgange waren als ich selbst. Man vermittelte mir von Seite des Lehrerkollegiums gerne diesen Nachhilfeunterricht, denn ich galt ja als «guter Schüler». Und mir war dadurch die Möglichkeit geboten, wenigstens ein Geringes zu dem beizusteuern, was meine Eltern von ihrem kärglichen Einkommen für meine Ausbildung aufwenden mußten.
[ 35 ] Ich verdanke diesem Nachhilfeunterricht sehr viel. Indem ich den aufgenommenen Unterrichtsstoff an Andere weiterzugeben hatte, erwachte ich gewissermaßen für ihn. Denn ich kann nicht anders sagen, als daß ich die Kenntnisse, die mir selbst von der Schule übermittelt wurden, wie in einem Lebenstraume aufnahm. Wach war ich in dem, was ich mir selbst errang oder was ich von einem geistigen Wohltäter, wie dem erwähnten Wiener-Neustädter Arzt, erhielt. Von dem, was ich so in einen vollbewußten Seelenzustand hereinnahm, unterschied sich beträchtlich, was wie traumbildhaft als Schulunterricht an mir vorüberging. Für die Umbildung dieses halbwach Aufgenommenen sorgte nun die Tatsache, daß ich meine Kenntnisse in den Nachhilfestunden beleben mußte.
[ 36 ] Andererseits war ich dadurch genötigt, mich in einem frühen Lebensalter mit praktischer Seelenkunde zu beschäftigen. Ich lernte die Schwierigkeiten der menschlichen Seelenentwickelung an meinen Schülern kennen.
[ 37 ] Den Mitschülern des gleichen Jahrganges, die ich unterrichtete, mußte ich vor allem die deutschen Aufsätze machen. Da ich jeden solchen Aufsatz auch noch für mich selbst zu schreiben hatte, mußte ich für jedes Thema, das uns gegeben wurde, verschiedene Formen der Ausarbeitung finden. Ich fühlte mich da oft in einer recht schwierigen Lage. Meinen eigenen Aufsatz machte ich erst, nachdem ich die besten Gedanken für das Thema weggegeben hatte.
[ 38 ] Mit dem Lehrer der deutschen Sprache und Literatur in den drei oberen Klassen stand ich in einem ziemlich gespannten Verhältnis. Er galt unter meinen Mitschülern als der «gescheiteste Professor» und als besonders strenge. Meine Aufsätze waren immer besonders lange geworden. Die kürzere Fassung hatte ich ja an meinen Mitschüler diktiert. Der Lehrer brauchte lange, um meine Aufsätze zu lesen. Als er nach der Abgangsptüfung beim Abschiedsfeste zum erstenmal mit uns Schülern «gemütlich» zusammen war, sagte er mir, wie ärgerlich ich ihm durch die langen Aufsätze geworden war.
[ 39 ] Dazu kam noch ein anderes. Ich fühlte, daß durch diesen Lehrer etwas in die Schule hereinragte, mit dem ich fertig werden mußte. Wenn er zum Beispiel über das Wesen der poetischen Bilder sprach, da empfand ich, daß etwas im Hintergrunde stand. Nach einiger Zeit kam ich darauf, was es war. Er bekannte sich zur Herbart schen Philosophie. Er selbst sagte davon nichts. Aber ich kam dahinter. Und so kaufte ich mir denn eine «Einleitung in die Philosophie» und eine «Psychologie», die beide vom Herbart'schen philosophischen Gesichtspunkte aus geschrieben waren.
[ 40 ] Und jetzt begann eine Art Versteckspiel zwischen diesem Lehrer und mir durch die Aufsätze. Ich fing an, manches bei ihm zu verstehen, was er in der Färbung der Herbart'schen Philosophie vorbrachte; und er fand in meinen Aufsätzen allerlei Ideen, die auch aus dieser Ecke kamen. Es wurde nur weder von ihm, noch von mir der Herbart'sche Ursprung genannt. Das war wie durch ein stilles Übereinkommen. Aber einmal schloß ich einen Aufsatz in einer gegenüber dieser Lage unvorsichtigen Art. Ich hatte über irgendeine Charaktereigenschaft bei den Menschen zu schreiben. Zum Schluß brachte ich den Satz: «ein solcher Mensch hat psychologische Freiheit.» Der Lehrer besprach mit uns Schülern die Aufsätze, nachdem er sie korrigiert hatte. Als er an die Besprechung des genannten Aufsatzes kam, verzog er mit gründlicher Ironie die Mundwinkel und sagte: «Sie schreiben da etwas von psychologischer Freiheit; die gibt es ja gar nicht.» Ich erwiderte: «Ich meine, das ist ein Irrtum, Herr Professor, die «psychologische Freiheit» gibt es schon; es gibt nur keine «transzendentale Freiheit» im gewöhnlichen Bewußtsein.» Die Mundfalten des Lehrers wurden wieder glatt; er sah mich mit einem durchdringenden Blicke an und sagte dann: «Ich bemerke schon lange an Ihren Aufsätzen, daß Sie eine philosophische Bibliothek haben. Ich möchte Ihnen raten, darin nicht zu lesen; Sie verwirren sich dadurch nur Ihre Gedanken.» Ich konnte nun durchaus nicht begreifen, warum ich meine Gedanken durch Lesen derselben Bücher verwirren sollte, aus denen er die seinigen hatte. Und so blieb denn das Verhältnis zwischen ihm und mir weiter ein gespanntes.
[ 41 ] Sein Unterricht gab mir viel zu tun. Denn er umfaßte in der fünften Klasse die griechische und lateinische Dichtung, von der Proben in deutscher Übersetzung vorgebracht wurden. Erst jetzt begann ich zuweilen schmerzlich zu empfinden, daß mich mein Vater nicht in das Gymnasium, sondern in die Realschule geschickt hatte. Denn ich fühlte, wie wenig ich von der Eigenart der griechischen und lateinischen Kunst durch die Übersetzungen berührt wurde. Und so kaufte ich mir griechische und lateinische Lehrbücher und trieb ganz im stillen neben dem Realschulunterricht einen privaten Gymnasialunterricht. Das beanspruchte viel Zeit; aber es legte auch den Grund dazu, daß ich doch noch später, zwar abnorm, aber ganz regelrecht das Gymnasium absolvierte. Ich mußte nämlich, als ich an der Hochschule in Wien war, erst recht viele Nachhilfestunden geben. Ich bekam bald einen Gymnasiasten zum Schüler. Die Umstände, von denen ich noch sprechen werde, bewirkten, daß ich diesen Schüler fast durch das ganze Gymnasium hindurch mit Hilfe von Privatstunden zu führen hatte. Ich unterrichtete ihn auch im Lateinischen und Griechischen, so daß ich an seinem Unterricht alle Einzelheiten des Gymnasialunterrichtes mitzuerleben hatte.
[ 42 ] Die Lehrer aus der Geschichte und Geographie, die mir in den unteren Klassen so wenig geben konnten, wurden nun in den oberen Klassen doch noch von Bedeutung für mich. Gerade derjenige, der mich zu einer so sonderbaren Kantlektüre getrieben hatte, schrieb einmal einen Schulprogrammaufsatz über die «Eiszeit und ihre Ursachen». Ich nahm den Inhalt mit großer seelischer Begierde auf und behielt davon ein reges Interesse für das Eiszeitproblem. Aber dieser Lehrer war auch ein guter Schüler des ausgezeichneten Geographen Friedrich Simony. Das brachte ihn dazu, in den oberen Klassen, zeichnend an der Schultafel, die geologisch-geographischen Verhältnisse der Alpen zu entwickeln. Da las ich nun allerdings nicht Kant, sondern war ganz Auge und Ohr. Ich bekam von dieser Seite her viel von dem Lehrer, dessen Geschichtsunterricht mich gar nicht interessierte.
[ 43 ] In der letzten Realschulklasse bekam ich erst einen Lehrer, der mich auch durch seinen Geschichtsunterricht fesselte. Er unterrichtete Geschichte und Geographie. In dieser wurde die Alpengeographie in der reizvollen Art fortgesetzt, die schon bei dem andern Lehrer vorhanden war. In der Geschichte wirkte der neue Lehrer stark auf uns Schüler. Er war für uns eine Persönlichkeit aus dem Vollen heraus. Er war Parteimann, ganz begeistert für die fortschrittlichen Ideen der damaligen österreichischen liberalen Richtung. Aber in der Schule bemerkte man davon gar nichts. Er trug von seinen Parteiansichten nichts in die Schule hinein. Aber sein Geschichtsunterricht hatte durch seinen Anteil am Leben selbst starkes Leben. Ich hörte mit den Ergebnissen meiner Rotteck-Lektüre in der Seele die temperamentvollen geschichtlichen Auseinandersetzungen dieses Lehrers. Es gab einen schönen Einklang. Ich muß es als wichtig für mich ansehen, daß ich gerade die neuzeitliche Geschichte auf diese Art in mich aufnehmen konnte.
[ 44 ] Im Elternhause hörte ich damals viel diskutieren über den russisch-türkischen Krieg (1877/78). Der Beamte, der damals die Ablösung meines Vaters im Dienste an jedem dritten Tag hatte, war ein origineller Mensch. Er kam immer zur Ablösung mit einer mächtigen Reisetasche. Darinnen hatte er große Manuskriptpakete. Es waren Auszüge aus den verschiedensten wissenschaftlichen Büchern. Er gab sie mir nach und nach zum Lesen. Ich verschlang sie. Mit mir diskutierte er dann über diese Dinge. Denn er hatte wirklich auch im Kopfe eine zwar chaotische, aber umfassende Anschauung von alledem, was er zusammengeschrieben hatte. - Mit meinem Vater aber politisierte er. Er nahm begeistert Partei für die Türken; mein Vater verteidigte mit starker Leidenschaft die Russen. Er gehörte zu denjenigen Persönlichkeiten, die Russland damals noch dankbar waren für die Dienste, die es den Österreichern beim ungarischen Aufstande (1849) geleistet hatte. Denn mit den Ungarn war mein Vater gar nicht einverstanden. Er lebte ja an dem ungarischen Grenzorte Neudörfl in der Zeit der Magyarisierung. Und immer war über seinem Haupte das Damoklesschwert, daß er nicht Leiter der Station Neudörfl sein könne, weil er nicht magyarisch sprechen könne. Es war dies in der dortigen urdeutschen Gegend zwar ganz unnötig. Aber die ungarische Regierung arbeitete darauf hin, daß die ungarischen Linien der Eisenbahnen mit magyarisch sprechenden Beamten auch bei Privatbahnen besetzt würden. Mein Vater wollte aber seinen Posten in Neudörfl so lange behalten, bis ich mit der Schule in Wiener-Neustadt fertig war. Durch alles dieses war er den Ungarn recht wenig geneigt. Und weil er die Ungarn nicht mochte, liebte er in seiner einfachen Art zu denken: die Russen, die 1849 den Ungarn «den Herrn gezeigt hatten». Diese Denkweise wurde außerordentlich leidenschaftlich, aber in der zugleich außerordentlich liebenswürdigen Art meines Vaters gegenüber dem «Türkenfreund» in der Person seines «Ablösers» vertreten. Die Wogen der Diskussion gingen manchmal recht hoch. Mich interessierte das Aufeinanderplatzen der Persönlichkeiten stark, ihre politischen Ansichten fast gar nicht. Denn mir war damals weit wichtiger, die Frage zu beantworten: inwiefern läßt sich beweisen, daß im menschlichen Denken realer Geist das Wirksame ist?
Chapter II
[ 1 ] The decisive factor in deciding whether I should be sent to grammar school or secondary school was my father's intention to give me the right education for "employment" on the railroad. In the end, his ideas came to the fore that I should become a railroad engineer. This led to my choice of secondary school.
[ 2 ] First, however, the question had to be decided whether I was ready for one of these types of school when I transferred from the Neudörfl village school to one of the schools in neighboring Wiener Neustadt. I was first taken to the entrance examination for the middle school.
[ 3 ] The processes that were now being initiated for the future of my life proceeded without any deeper interest on my part. At that age, I was indifferent to the nature of my "employment", I was also indifferent to the question of whether it was a middle school, secondary school or grammar school. Through what I had observed around me, what I had conceived within myself, I had vague but burning questions about life and the world in my soul and wanted to learn something in order to be able to answer them. It mattered little to me what kind of school this should happen through.
[ 4 ] I passed the entrance exam to the middle school very well. They had all brought along the drawings I had made with my assistant teacher; and these made such a strong impression on the teachers who examined me that they probably overlooked my lack of knowledge. I got away with a "brilliant" certificate. My parents, the assistant teacher, the parish priest and many of Neudörfl's dignitaries were overjoyed. They were happy about my success, because for many it was proof that the "Neudörfl school could achieve something".
[ 5 ] From all this, my father came to the conclusion that, now that I was ready, I should not spend a year at the middle school, but should go straight to the secondary school. And so, just a few days later, I was taken to the entrance examination. It didn't go as well as before, but I was still admitted. It was in October 1872.
[ 6 ] Now I had to make the journey from Neudörfl to Wiener-Neustadt every day. In the morning I could take the train, but in the evening I had to walk back because there was no train at the right time. Neudörfl was in Hungary, Wiener Neustadt in Lower Austria. So I traveled from "Transleithania" to "Cisleithania" every day. (That was the official name for the Hungarian and Austrian territories.)
[ 7 ] I stayed in Wiener Neustadt during lunchtime. There was a lady who had met me during one of her stops at the Neudörfl train station and had learned that I was coming to school in Wiener Neustadt. My parents had told her that they were worried about how I would get through the midday on my school visits. She agreed to let me eat in her house free of charge and to take me in whenever I needed it.
[ 8 ] The footpath from Wiener Neustadt to Neudörfl is very beautiful in summer; in winter it was often difficult. Before you got from the end of the town to the village, you had to walk for half an hour along a dirt road that was not cleared of snow. I often had to "wade" through snow up to my knees and arrived home as a "snowman".
[ 9 ] I couldn't experience city life in my soul in the same way as I did in the country. I stood dreamily facing what was going on between and in the houses crammed together. Only in front of the bookshops in Vienna-Neustadt did I often stop for a long time.
[ 10 ] Even what was presented at school and what I myself had to do there initially passed by without any lively interest in my soul. I had a lot of trouble keeping up in the first two classes. It wasn't until the second semester of the second year that things improved. By then I had become a "good pupil".
[ 11 ] I had a strong need that dominated me. I longed for people whom I could emulate as role models. There were no such people among the teachers in the first two classes.
[ 12 ] This experience at school was now interrupted by another event that had a deep impact on my soul. The principal had published an essay in one of the annual reports that were issued at the end of each school year: "The power of attraction considered as an effect of movement." As an eleven-year-old boy, I could understand almost nothing of the content at first. Because it started straight away with higher mathematics. But I was able to make sense of individual sentences. A bridge of thought formed in my mind from the teachings on the building of the world that I had received from the priest to the content of this essay. It also referred to a book that the director had written: "The general movement of matter as the basic cause of all natural phenomena." I saved up until I was able to buy the book. It now became a kind of ideal of mine to learn everything as quickly as possible that could lead me to understanding the content of the essay and book.
[ 13 ] It was as follows. The principal considered the "forces" acting from the fabric into the distance to be an unjustified "mystical" hypothesis. He wanted to explain the "attraction" of celestial bodies as well as molecules and atoms without such "forces". He said that between two bodies there are many smaller bodies in motion. These, moving back and forth, collide with the larger bodies. In the same way, these are pushed everywhere on the sides where they are turned away from each other. The impacts exerted on the sides facing away are more numerous than those in the space between the two bodies. This brings them closer together. The "attraction" is not a special force, but only an "effect of motion". I found two pronounced sentences on the first pages of the book: "1. there is a space and in this a movement through longer time. 2. space and time are continuous homogeneous quantities; matter, however, consists of separate particles (atoms)." The author wanted to explain all physical and chemical natural processes from the movements that arise between the small and large parts of matter in the way described.
[ 14 ] I had nothing in me which in any way urged me to profess this view; but I had the feeling that it would be of great importance to me if I could understand what was expressed in this way. And I did everything I could to get there. Wherever I could find mathematical and physical books, I took the opportunity. It went quite slowly. I started reading the essay and the book again and again; it got a little better each time.
[ 15 ] Now something else came along. In the third grade, I got a teacher who really fulfilled the "ideal" that stood before my soul. I was able to emulate him. He taught arithmetic, geometry and physics. His lessons were extraordinarily orderly and clear. He built everything so clearly from the elements that it was extremely beneficial for the mind to follow him.
[ 16 ] A second annual report essay of the school was by him. It was in the field of probability theory and life insurance calculation. I also immersed myself in this essay, although I couldn't understand much of it either. But I soon came to understand the meaning of probability theory. An even more important consequence for me, however, was that I had a model for my mathematical thinking in the exactness with which my beloved teacher had carried out the subject matter. This led to a wonderful relationship between this teacher and myself. I was delighted to have this man as a teacher of mathematics and physics throughout all my secondary school classes.
[ 17 ] With what I learned from him, I came ever closer to the riddle that had been given to me by the principal's writings.
[ 18 ] I only came into a closer emotional relationship with another teacher after a long time. He was the one who taught geometric drawing in the lower classes and descriptive geometry in the upper classes. He was already teaching in the second grade. But it was only during his lessons in the third class that I began to appreciate his style. He was a great constructor. His lessons were also of exemplary clarity and orderliness. Drawing with compasses, rulers and triangles became a favorite pastime of his. Behind what I absorbed from the principal, the mathematics and physics teacher and the geometric drawing teacher, the puzzling questions of natural phenomena now rose up in me in a boyish way. I felt that I had to approach nature in order to gain an understanding of the spiritual world that stood before me as a matter of course.
[ 19 ] I said to myself that one can only come to terms with the experience of the spiritual world through the soul if one's thinking comes to a form that can approach the essence of natural phenomena. I lived with these feelings through the third and fourth year of secondary school. I arranged everything I learned in order to approach the designated goal myself.
[ 20 ] Once I was walking past a bookshop. In the shop window I saw Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason" in Reclam's edition. I did everything I could to buy this book as quickly as possible.
[ 21 ] When Kant entered the realm of my thinking at the time, I didn't know the slightest thing about his position in the intellectual history of mankind. What anyone had thought about him, approvingly or disapprovingly, was completely unknown to me. My unbounded interest in the Critique of Pure Reason was aroused by my own personal emotional life. In my boyish way, I strove to understand what human reason was capable of achieving for a real insight into the essence of things.
[ 22 ] The reading of Kant encountered many obstacles in the external facts of life. I lost at least three hours a day due to the long journey I had to make between home and school. I didn't get home before six o'clock in the evening. Then there was an endless mass of schoolwork to get through. And on Sundays I devoted myself almost exclusively to constructive drawing. It was my ideal to achieve the greatest precision in the execution of geometric constructions and impeccable cleanliness in the treatment of hatching and the application of color.
[ 23 ] So I hardly had time to read the "Critique of Pure Reason" at the time. I found the following way out. We were taught the story in such a way that the teacher appeared to be lecturing but was actually reading from a book. We then had to learn from lesson to lesson what was presented to us in this way from our book. I thought to myself that I would have to do the reading from the book at home. I had nothing at all from the teacher's "lecture". I couldn't absorb anything at all by listening to what he was reading. I now separated the individual sheets of the Kant booklet, pinned them into the history book that I had in front of me during the lesson and read Kant while history was "taught" from the catheder. This was, of course, a great injustice to school discipline; but no one minded and it interfered so little with what was required of me that I got an "excellent" grade in history at the time.
[ 24 ] During the vacations, I continued to read Kant eagerly. I must have read some pages more than twenty times in a row. I wanted to come to a judgment about how human thought relates to the creation of nature.
[ 25 ] The feelings I harbored towards these intellectual endeavors were influenced from two sides. Firstly, I wanted to develop thinking within myself in such a way that every thought would be fully comprehensible, that no vague feeling would lead it in any direction. Secondly, I wanted to create a harmony between such thinking and the religious teachings within me. For this also occupied me to the highest degree at that time. We had excellent textbooks in this area in particular. I absorbed dogmatics and symbolism, the description of the cult and church history from these textbooks with real devotion. I lived very strongly in these teachings. But my relationship to them was determined by the fact that I regarded the spiritual world as the content of human perception. It was precisely for this reason that these teachings penetrated so deeply into my soul, because I felt from them how the human spirit can find its way into the supersensible through cognition. My reverence for the spiritual - I know this for a fact - was not in the least taken away from me by this relationship to knowledge.
[ 26 ] On the other hand, I was constantly preoccupied with the scope of the human faculty of thought. I felt that thinking could be developed into a power that really grasps the things and processes of the world within itself. A "substance" that remains outside of thought, that is merely "thought about", was an unbearable thought to me. What is in things must enter people's thoughts, I told myself again and again.
[ 27 ] But what I read in Kant also repeatedly clashed with this feeling. But I hardly noticed this impulse at the time. After all, I wanted to use the "Critique of Pure Reason" to gain solid points of reference to help me come to terms with my own thinking. Wherever and whenever I went on my vacation walks, I had to sit down somewhere quietly and always try to figure out anew how to get from simple, straightforward concepts to ideas about natural phenomena. I was quite uncritical of Kant at the time; but I didn't get any further through him.
[ 28 ] Through all this I was not drawn away from the things that concerned the practical handling of tasks and the training of human skill. It turned out that one of the officials who replaced my father in the service understood bookbinding. I learned bookbinding from him and was able to bind my own school books during the vacations between the fourth and fifth grades of secondary school. I also learned shorthand during the vacations without a teacher. Nevertheless, I took part in the shorthand courses that were held from the fifth grade onwards.
[ 29 ] There were plenty of opportunities for practical work. My parents were allotted a small garden with fruit trees and a small potato field in the vicinity of the Bahrihof. Picking cherries, doing the gardening, preparing the potatoes for sowing, tilling the field, digging up the ripe potatoes - my siblings and I were responsible for all of this. I didn't miss out on shopping for groceries in the village during the time I had off from school.
[ 30 ] When I was about fifteen years old, I was allowed to enter into a closer relationship with the aforementioned doctor in Wiener Neustadt. I had become very fond of him because of the way he spoke to me during his visits to Neudörfl. So I often sneaked past his apartment, which was on a ground floor at the corner of two very narrow streets in Wiener Neustadt. Once he was at the window. He called me into his room. There I stood in front of what I thought was a "large" library at the time. He talked about literature again, then took Lessing's "Minna von Barnhelm" from the book collection and told me to read it and then come back to him. So he kept giving me books to read and allowed me to go to him from time to time. Every time I was allowed to visit him, I had to tell him about my impressions of what I had read. He actually became my teacher in poetic literature. Up until then, I had remained quite distant from it both at home and at school, apart from a few "samples". I got to know Lessing in particular in the atmosphere of the loving doctor, who was enthusiastic about everything beautiful.
[ 31 ] Another event had a profound influence on my life. I became familiar with the mathematical books that Lübsen had written for self-teaching. I was able to acquire analytical geometry, trigonometry and also differential and integral calculus long before I learned them at school. This enabled me to return to reading the books on "The general motion of matter as the basic cause of all natural phenomena". Because now I could understand them better thanks to my mathematical knowledge. In the meantime, the physics lessons had been joined by the chemistry lessons, which added a new set of knowledge puzzles to the old ones. The chemistry teacher was an excellent man. He taught almost exclusively through experimentation. He spoke very little. He let the natural processes speak for themselves. He was one of our most popular teachers. There was something strange about him that set him apart from the other teachers for his pupils. It was assumed that he had a closer relationship to his science than the others. We addressed them with the title "Professor"; him, although he was just as good a "Professor", with "Herr Doktor". He was the brother of the witty Tyrolean poet Hermann v. Gilm. He had a hard look that attracted a lot of attention. You got the feeling that this man was used to looking sharply at natural phenomena and then keeping an eye on them.
[ 32 ] His teaching confused me a little. The abundance of facts he presented could not always hold together my way of thinking, which at that time was striving for unification. Nevertheless, he must have thought that I was making good progress in chemistry. Because he gave me the grade "commendable" right from the start, which I then retained throughout all my classes.
[ 33 ] One day in an antiquarian bookshop in Vienna-Neustadt, I discovered Rotteck's Weltgeschichte. History had previously remained something external to my soul, even though I got the best marks at school. Now it became something internal to me. The warmth with which Rotteck grasped and described historical events swept me away. I did not yet notice his one-sided view. Through him I was then led on to two other historians who made the deepest impression on me through their style and their historical view of life: Johannes von Müller and Tacitus. Under such impressions, it became quite difficult for me to find my way into school lessons in history and literature. But I tried to enliven these lessons with everything I had acquired outside of them. This is how I spent my time in the top three of the seven secondary school classes.
[ 34 ] From the age of fifteen, I gave private lessons, either to fellow pupils of the same year or to pupils who were in a lower year than myself. The teaching staff were happy to arrange this tutoring for me because I was considered a "good student". And it gave me the opportunity to contribute at least a little to what my parents had to spend on my education from their meagre income.
[ 35 ] I owe a lot to this private tuition. By having to pass on the material I had absorbed to others, I woke up to it, so to speak. For I cannot say otherwise than that I absorbed the knowledge passed on to me by the school as if in a lifelong dream. I was awake in what I had gained for myself or what I had received from a spiritual benefactor, such as the aforementioned doctor from Vienna-Neustadt. What I took in as a fully conscious state of mind differed considerably from what passed me by as school lessons in a dreamlike manner. The fact that I had to revitalize my knowledge in private lessons ensured the transformation of this half-awake perception.
[ 36 ] On the other hand, I was forced to occupy myself with practical psychology at an early age. I learned about the difficulties of human soul development from my students.
[ 37 ] I had to do the German essays in particular for my fellow pupils in the same year group that I was teaching. Since I also had to write each essay for myself, I had to find different forms of elaboration for each topic we were given. I often found myself in quite a difficult position. I only wrote my own essay after I had given away the best thoughts for the topic.
[ 38 ] I had a rather tense relationship with the German language and literature teacher in the three upper classes. Among my classmates, he was considered the "smartest professor" and particularly strict. My essays were always particularly long. I had dictated the shorter version to my classmate. It took the teacher a long time to read my essays. When he was "comfortably" together with us students for the first time after the final exam at the farewell party, he told me how annoyed I had become with him because of the long essays.
[ 39 ] Then there was another one. I felt that this teacher was bringing something into the school that I had to deal with. For example, when he spoke about the nature of poetic images, I felt that there was something in the background. After a while I found out what it was. He professed Herbartian philosophy. He himself said nothing about it. But I figured it out. And so I bought an "Introduction to Philosophy" and a "Psychology", both of which were written from the Herbartian philosophical point of view.
[ 40 ] And now a kind of game of hide-and-seek began between this teacher and me through the essays. I began to understand some of the things he put forward in the coloring of Herbartian philosophy; and he found all kinds of ideas in my essays that also came from this corner. But neither he nor I mentioned the Herbartian origin. It was as if by silent agreement. But once I concluded an essay in an incautious manner in relation to this situation. I had to write about some character trait in human beings. At the end I came up with the sentence: "Such a person has psychological freedom." The teacher discussed the essays with us students after he had corrected them. When he came to the discussion of the essay I mentioned, he twisted the corners of his mouth in a thoroughly ironic way and said: "You write something about psychological freedom; there is no such thing." I replied: "I think that's a mistake, Professor, 'psychological freedom' does exist; there is just no 'transcendental freedom' in ordinary consciousness." The lines of the teacher's mouth became smooth again; he looked at me with a penetrating glance and then said: "I have long noticed from your essays that you have a philosophical library. I would advise you not to read them; you will only confuse your thoughts." I could not understand why I should confuse my thoughts by reading the same books from which he had his. And so the relationship between him and me remained a tense one.
[ 41 ] His lessons gave me a lot to do. For in the fifth grade he covered Greek and Latin poetry, samples of which were presented in German translation. It was only now that I sometimes began to feel painfully that my father had not sent me to grammar school but to secondary school. For I felt how little I was touched by the uniqueness of Greek and Latin art through the translations. And so I bought Greek and Latin textbooks and quietly pursued a private grammar school course alongside my secondary school lessons. This took up a lot of time, but it also laid the foundation for my later graduation from grammar school, albeit abnormally, but quite properly. When I was at the university in Vienna, I had to give a lot of extra lessons. I soon had a grammar school student as a pupil. The circumstances, which I will talk about later, meant that I had to guide this pupil through most of grammar school with the help of private lessons. I also taught him Latin and Greek, so that I was able to experience all the details of grammar school teaching in his lessons.
[ 42 ] The history and geography teachers, who could give me so little in the lower classes, became important to me in the upper classes. The very person who had driven me to such a strange reading of Kant once wrote a school program essay on the "Ice Age and its Causes". I absorbed the content with great eagerness and retained a keen interest in the ice age problem. But this teacher was also a good student of the excellent geographer Friedrich Simony. This led him to develop the geological-geographical conditions of the Alps in the upper classes, drawing on the blackboard. I wasn't reading Kant, however, but was all eyes and ears. I got a lot from this side from the teacher, whose history lessons didn't interest me at all.
[ 43 ] In the last year of secondary school, I had a teacher who also captivated me with his history lessons. He taught history and geography. In the latter, Alpine geography was continued in the attractive way that had already been taught by the other teacher. In history, the new teacher had a strong effect on us pupils. For us, he was a personality in his own right. He was a party man, very enthusiastic about the progressive ideas of the Austrian liberal movement of the time. But you didn't notice any of this at school. He didn't bring any of his party views into the school. But his history lessons were very lively due to his involvement in life itself. With the results of my Rotteck reading in my soul, I listened to the spirited historical arguments of this teacher. There was a beautiful harmony. I must regard it as important for me that I was able to absorb modern history in this way.
[ 44 ] I heard a lot of discussion about the Russo-Turkish War (1877/78) in my parents' house. The civil servant who relieved my father on duty every third day was an original person. He always came to relieve me with a huge traveling bag. Inside he had large manuscript packages. They were excerpts from various scientific books. He gave them to me to read one by one. I devoured them. He then discussed these things with me. Because he really had a chaotic but comprehensive view of everything he had written down in his head. - But he politicized things with my father. He enthusiastically took sides with the Turks; my father defended the Russians with great passion. He was one of those people who were still grateful to Russia for the services it had rendered to the Austrians during the Hungarian uprising (1849). My father did not agree with the Hungarians at all. He lived in the Hungarian border town of Neudörfl during the Magyarization period. And there was always the sword of Damocles hanging over his head that he could not be head of the Neudörfl station because he could not speak Magyar. This was quite unnecessary in the original German region there. But the Hungarian government was working to ensure that the Hungarian lines of the railroads were staffed with Magyar-speaking officials, even on private railroads. But my father wanted to keep his post in Neudörfl until I had finished school in Wiener Neustadt. Because of all this, he was not very fond of the Hungarians. And because he didn't like the Hungarians, he loved them in his simple way of thinking: the Russians, who had "shown the Hungarians the Lord" in 1849. This way of thinking was represented extremely passionately, but at the same time in my father's extremely amiable manner towards the "friend of the Turks" in the person of his "successor". The debate sometimes got quite heated. I was very interested in the clash of personalities, their political views almost not at all. At the time, it was far more important to me to answer the question: to what extent can it be proven that the real spirit is what is effective in human thinking?